EULA-LA

Do you know what an End User Licensing Agreement, a EULA, is? 

Probably not unless you're a “propeller head.” (A computer geek)

I recently bought the new iPad and before you can set everything up in the iPad, you're asked to accept the EULA. Now I know that everyone with a pulse and a heartbeat AUTOMATICALLY checks the “I accept” box, like the little lemmings that we are, but this time I looked down and saw that the EULA for the iPad is 42 freakin' pages long. So why should that make any difference if you're only going to check the ACCEPT box and move right along? It makes a difference if there is something buried in those 42 pages of whereases and howsoevers that might be a little scary. Imagine, if you will, your doorbell rings and standing there is a guy dressed up like Bozo the Clown. You open the door and immediately he plants a whipped cream pie right smack dab in the middle of your unsuspecting face. After the initial shock, you cry out, “What the ____ was that all about?” And Bozo says, “Well, if you had read page 41, paragraph 3 sentence 4, it clearly states that by accepting the iPad EULA, APPLE, hereafter known as “the company”, shall have the right to randomly deliver to you, hereafter known as “the schmuck”, a pie to your proboscis, without advanced warning, at its sole discretion. Of course I would exclaim, “But it's not fair, the EULA is 42 pages long and I'm very busy re-arranging my sock drawer and stuff, so how could I have possibly read it?” And Bozo says back, “You accepted the EULA, tough. Wait 'til you see what's in store from page 34. It involves pine nuts, spray paint and an air horn!”

And what about people who say, “I never shop on-line. With all that stuff about identity theft, you'd have to be a moron to put your credit card out there on the Internet.” Oh yeah, says I. How about when you go to a restaurant and give your credit card to the waiter/waitress and he/she disappears with it? You just handed them your credit card. They have your name, the card number, the expiration date and the 3 digit code thingy on the back of the card right in their potentially crooked little hands. Tell me that they can't go right ahead and book an all expense paid trip to Sheboygan right there and then with that info. Then once the trip is booked, they can hand the card back to you and wish you “Happy Trails.”That's identity theft and you are party of the first part. The only thing working in your favor is who the hell would want to go to Sheboygan anyway?

How is it you can wait 15-20 minutes in a 3 mile backup on the Southeast Expressway and then finally come to where the supposed accident, as reported on the radio, was and find nothing there? There's no cars. There's no police. There's no wreckage. No debris. No ambulance. No blood. No cat up a tree, nothing. Must be Yankee fans.

Could someone please explain to me the positive principle behind the statute of limitations laws? I mean do criminals have a lobby? “Yes, congressman, here's $50,000. We want you to approve a law that says if we commit a crime, just about any crime, the more heinous the better, you can only prosecute us for that crime if you catch us within 15 years, no make that 10, no make that 7 years. Yeah, 7 years, that's the ticket.” And the Congressman (or any other law maker at any level) says, “Makes sense to me. You've got my vote. And by the way make it a $100,000 and I'll support a statue of limitations for 72 hours.” Seriously, why is there any limit? You commit a crime and, if you get caught and convicted, you pay the price. Why does the penalty for a crime magically disappear after X number of years? Are the politicians criminally stupid? (see definition of rhetorical question.)

Those who know me know that I am not the handiest guy in the whole world. But I try and I guess that that is what is most important. I mean going to Home Depot for me is like being from Mesopotamia and walking into the Library of Congress. So, I'm repainting the son's old bedroom and I want a nice color of light blue paint, the same color they show in the brochure of 4,296,388 colors and hope you can pick one out. The bride and I picked out the color and I head to Home Depot to buy it. Now I can find the paint aisle no problem. It's the one with the 8 foot sign over the aisle that says PAINT. I'm cool so far. Now I start looking for a gallon can that says Robin's Egg, Mid Dawn, Carolina Tar Heel, Paul Newman Eyes Blue. And I look and I look and then I looked again. No REMDCTHPNE blue gallon can o' paint. So I do what any Providence College educated individual of sensible standing would do....I went to the paint counter and asked for help. The gentlemen was very helpful when I told him what I was looking for and he told me that he would mix it right up for me. I said to myself, “Mix it up? Mix it up? They mix up Robin's Egg Mid Dawn Carolina Tar Heel Paul Newman Eyes Blue paint. They don't have it on the shelf, you idiot.” So the nice man, said to me, “You didn't think that we had it on the shelf, did you? We'd have to have a warehouse the size of the Pentagon just for paint.” I chuckled, guffawed, hemmed and hawed like a buffoon who just got caught being overdrawn in the checking account for brains department. “No, of course you mix it up right here. No idiot or Yankee fan would ever think that you carried 4,296,388 kinds of paint on the shelf.” I got my paint and got out of Home Depot like I was qualifying for the Boston Marathon. Can't wait for when I go back to Home Depot to buy the 2 by 4's for the bride's garden. What an adventure that's going to be. Stay posted.

I got a burning permit at the town fire station last week. And I was really disappointed when I found out last Thursday that I couldn't burn. It had something to do with the fact that the temperature that day was going to be 80° and it hasn't rained since the Truman administration. But I thought it was pretty cheezy on the part of the Fire Chief to cancel my opportunity to burn when I wanted to. I have rights you know. Who the hell does he think he is trying to save the town from a raging conflagration probably started by me? Understand that gathering and burning brush involves two things that I'm really not that strong at: a chainsaw and fire. (See previous paragraph regarding painting and Home Depot.) On a serious note, if you're working outside in the brush cutting and dragging stuff around you really ought to be wearing safety glasses.

Topic for next time: My snow blower and me – A love/hate relationship.

I just downloaded the users manual for my new iPad. It's 233 pages long. By the time I finish reading it, the new new iPad will be out. At least there's no EULA for it!

I can't tell you how much I recommend the Steve Jobs biography written by Walter Isaacson. Not only is it a fascinating study of what a genius/maniac Steve Jobs was, but also it's an incredible history of the personal computing industry from the very early days back when the first personal computers were invented to the present day development of the new iPhone and the new iPad. One interesting segment was the discussion when Steve Jobs brought the recording industry executives to the table to talk about allowing individuals to buy and download single songs from the Internet. The recording industry was not in favor of doing something like that but Steve Jobs got them to agree. The book states that they forecasted 1 million song downloads in the first six months. As it turned out, they recorded 1 million downloads in the FIRST SIX DAYS. As a matter of fact, the iTunes Store recently recorded its 25 BILLIONTH download. Like I said Steve Jobs was a genius, I won't get into the maniac part.

Daughter #2 recommended an excellent book that I'm reading: The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin. I'll let you guess at what the book's about. There are a lot of great sayings in the book. Anyone who knows me, knows that I have more sayings than the Rubaiyat by Omar Khayyam. Here's a couple: “People don't notice your mistakes as much as you think.” And “What you do every day matters more than what you do once in a while.” And my personal favorite, “When the student is ready, the teacher will appear.” Check it out, I think you'll like it.

Until next time...