Monday, November 5, 2012

I think it needs more garlic.


It's been two years and two days since I “boogallooed to Bogota” from the business world. No more, “telephones, managers and where you have to be at noon” in the words of Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young. And in that time I've won the Eastern Massachusetts “Father of the Year” award, the Essex County “Grandfather of the Year” award and now I'm going for the Testosterone Trifecta, the Inter Galactic “Husband of the Year” award.

It won't be easy because it involves cooking. No, I don't mean preparing my usual culinary masterpieces which include (but are not limited to) Tuesday tacos and George Foreman grilled chicken with baked potato, salad AND corn. As well as, my particular favorites, I call them “Breakfast at Dinner”meals: one is hand-flipped blueberry pancakes and another is a personally customized 3 egg omelet with all the fixins. Nothing says "lovin" to the bride better than her coming through the door after a hard day's work and smelling something cooking on the stove that she doesn't have to prepare. I swear I could serve her sauteed chipmunk and she'd say, "Heck, I didn't have to cook it....looks good to me....did you put garlic in it?"

Tonight, I'm throwing caution to the wind and I'm actually preparing a meal from a recipe. Now, the recipe is from the bride but that actually creates more pressure since she can create this meal with her eyes closed after all these years, but me being the “chef enfant” here, I'm under the gun. As my dear, departed mother used to say, "Easy when you know how." Now we're not talking about preparing Beef Wellington, we're talking about American Chop Suey. What meal would be more patriotic to dine on the night before the election and the subsequent change in political administrations than American Chop Suey? (At least the American part.) Heck, I bet every red blooded Tom, Dick and Harry will be eating American Chop Suey in Sheboygan tonight, just before they have Mom's apple pie for dessert.


The recipe seems so simple on paper, kind of like the plans for D Day. Saute this and boil that, then combine. It's like landing a 747 in a blizzard during a solar eclipse. But we all need to get out from our omelet, pancake and taco comfort zones, don't we? If the Flying Wallendas never took that first step on a wire over Niagara Falls, where would the dare devil business be? Of course, there aren't as many Flying Wallendas around as there used to be, but I digress.

It's a little troubling that written on the bride's recipe card is the word “garlic” not once but twice. Mushrooms, garlic, peppers, olive oil, garlic......it says. Just to bring you up to speed, the bride LOVES garlic like yours truly likes to “feather” a three iron, 225 yards into a tucked pin against the wind on a warm but not hot Thursday in August. Get the picture? I mean she would brush her teeth with garlic if there weren't laws in Massachusetts against such a thing. We don't just buy garlic in our house, we put it out to bid to acquire it by the train car lode. I mean, after I eat the bride's spaghetti and meatballs, I need eyewash, it's that strong. But, come to think of it, I haven't seen a vampire around these parts for years.

So I'll throw caution to the wind this evening. I'll take one for the team. I'll step up to the plate. What's the worst that can happen? Montezuma's revenge? Or in this case Mao's revenge?

If there's a problem, I'm blaming it on the garlic.

Until next time............




Thursday, August 16, 2012

It's all fun and games until the fish start bitin'.



We, here in Vanillaville, likes things quiet and peaceful. Many folks here are so laid back they take an hour and a half to watch 60 Minutes. So who knew that there was any chance the fish could turn on you in Lake Vanillaville. Lake Vanillaville, aka the town pond, is a tranquil little pond located about 5 miles from our house, Rancho Relaxo. It's a great place for the former Miss Massachusetts and I to dip our piggies in the water, her after a hard day's work in the salt mines and me, after a long day's work re-arranging my sock drawer. But we go there because we have no life and, if you're over 62 (I just squeaked by by a year or two) it's FREE. You give the town $7,000 in taxes each year for 35 years and they'll give you a free pond membership as you approach the 18th tee of life. I should point out that if we bring the Li'l Dahlin's, Vera, Chuck and Dave (the grandchildren) for a splash we have to pay $3.00 per Dahlin'. None of this unfortunately is tax deductible.

Anyway, the bride and I have been going to the pond since our children have been little toddlers. It was either take them to the pond or teach them how to shoot squirrels out of the bird feeder at a very young age. Daughter #2 wasn't a very good shot, (something to do with her being left eye dominant, I think) so we decided on water sports instead of live fire. If we were able to acquire tracers, it might have been a different story.

Anyway, after we ran out of ammunition, it was off to the pond while singing, “To the pond to the pond to the pond we go,” to the tune of the William Tell Overture (think The Lone Ranger song.) The ride to the pond was negotiated in a 1974 Augusta Green Volvo station wagon (something in my life finally was Augusta green) while the kiddos rode seatbeltlessly in the rear section. Seatbelts, at that time, had yet to be invented and since we had little regard for the safety of the urchins, I doubt we would have used them any way. And bike helmets.....what the hell would you need those for?

Anyway, off we went to the pond for a day of fun and mirth and no visits to the bathroom, if you get my drift. I was surprised as hell that at the end of the pond season the urchins didn't come down with the bubonic plague considering all the little nose pickers alleviating themselves in the shallow end of the pond for the summer trimester.

Anyway, that was then and this is now. The urchins have grown up and are now a problem of the state and the bride and I are free at last, thank God Almighty, we're free at last. We just head to the pond at our leisure without the $569 worth of sand toys that had a life expectancy of one visit. Just me, the bride, my lounge chair and whatever book I'm reading at the time. (I just finished, “Sex On The Moon” by Ben Mezreich. 3.5 stars out of 4. It's about stuff regarding NASA, the moon and, disappointingly, not very much about sex.)

Anyway, now for the past two years, I seem to be the target of some underfed, overly aggressive coelecanths or some such denizens that live in the depths of the Vanillaville pond. In each of the past two years, after I've done my usual 683 laps (I exaggerate) from one side of the swimming area to the other, I have joined my bride, the former Esther Williams, in the water, whilst hanging on to the rafts that are strategically placed just far apart so the 10 year old future criminals of Vanillaville can throw water laden tennis balls from raft to raft while barely clonking me and, more importantly, the bride, on the noggin. Trust me, if necessary I could reactivate the Red Cross/CPR/Captain Midnight life guard techniques I learned while watching Tarzan movies when I was 10 years old in a flash in order to save her life. Conversely if I was hit, the bride probably would have said something about wanting to save me from drowning but that she had just done her nails and, given the choice between smudging her nails or saving me from heading to Davy Jones's locker.................well, I think we all know how that would end.


Anyway, to get back to whatever point I was trying to make, while relaxing in the water and holding onto the raft, one of the little slimy, fishy bastards BIT me! And where you asked did they bite me? I'm a practicing Catholic so I'm not supposed to say the word but it rhymes with stipple! That's right and man o' man does getting bit in that area get your attention in a hurry. Maybe the fish read, Fifty Shades of Grey or something. Now I'd like to tell you that this was a once in a lifetime thing but this happened TWO YEARS IN A ROW. Two years. Two times holding onto the raft. Two times conversing up to my neck in water with the bride about the pro's and con's of potential retirement living in Sheboygan and WHAMMO, two times right in the nip from some aggravating little sunfish bastard. Coincidence? I think not. Clearly, there is some Piscean conspiracy towards your beloved blogger regarding consumption of me bit by bit, year by year.

Anyway, that brings us to last weekend. The bride and I head up to the pond. We jump in the pond. We swim our laps. (Can you feel the tension building?) We head over to the raft and I proceed to hang on and wait. What's the chances that the little bastards would go for the "tittie trifecta?" But, being Providence College educated, I foiled the varmints by holding my back to the raft as I regained my breath. No use leaning into a punch, is there? And do you know what happened? (Of course you don't, you weren't there) I got bit again, this time in the back. What the hell do I look like, rack o' human? Three years, three bites, this time with no sexual assault. Imagine my surprise.

Anyway, if I ever decide to cheat death again and head back to the pond, I'm equipping myself with a spear-gun coated with Uranium 235. If that doesn't discourage the fish from considering me an hors d'oeuvre, it will probably have a discernible impact on the little nose pickers on the rafts near missing my skull with the wet tennis ball. 

Either way, I win!

Until next time.......

Monday, July 23, 2012

"You must live the world you want to see."


Now that I'm retired, I get to read a lot. I love to read. I learn so much about people, places and things. I can now use the word “ubiquitous” in my everyday speech and watch the look on people's faces, something I can't do as a blogger, as they try to figure out what the hell I'm talking about. 

I try to get information from a number of different sources. I read The Washington Post, USA Today, The Wall Street Journal, as well as various news, computer and sports blogs. And when I'm down and really want a huge laugh to pick up my spirits, I read The Boston Globe's version of the news. Great sports page....really bad newspaper. 

Someone should do a case study as to why the printed news media is heading for extinction. They can record the continuing and eventual demise of the Globe for starters.

But one source of information I truly value are the writings of Robert F. Bruner. Dean Bruner is the Dean of the Darden School of Business at the University of Virginia. He's a smart guy who “gets it.” And the best part is that he's teaching other people how to “get it” too. The following is a prime example of that.

I hope you enjoy reading this article as much as I did.

Robert F. Bruner, Dean


Posted: 08 Jun 2012 01:55 PM PDT
I was on my way to a meeting in another building at Darden. Several colleagues and I were carrying stuff in our arms. Going down stairs outside, I saw a cigar of truly Churchillian proportions stubbed and flattened on one of the steps. The rain overnight had softened it into near mush. In our haste to get to our meeting, all of us hustled around the flattened stogie. Later, we returned from the meeting, arms empty, when we saw the gross item once more. Again, my colleagues gingerly stepped around it. I bent over and picked it up. My pals objected (“leave it for the cleaning crew!”) or joked (“That’s what a Dean does—clean up after others!”) or offered to take it off my hands. But I walked onward several steps and threw it into the trash can. Why?
Through little actions we set a tone for an organization. Think of the ways in which we signal social norms. Conventional thinking is that norms are signaled by some authority or a policies manual: do this, don’t do that.
But norms can be signaled in less obvious ways. Consider the “broken windows” theory of James Q. Wilson and George L. Keiling. They argued that norms of neglect tend to compound:
“Consider a building with a few broken windows. If the windows are not repaired, the tendency is for vandals to break a few more windows. Eventually, they may even break into the building, and if it’s unoccupied, perhaps become squatters or light fires inside. Or consider a sidewalk. Some litter accumulates. Soon, more litter accumulates. Eventually, people even start leaving bags of trash from take-out restaurants there or breaking into cars.”
The authors argued that breaking the cycle of neglect prevents problems from escalating. An orderly environment signals that someone is paying attention—and it encourages others to do so as well. Based on this research, Rudolph Giuliani, the Mayor of New York City in the 1990s, prodded landlords to repair their properties and put more cops on the street in blighted areas. Scholars debate whether the subsequent drop in crime was due to the improvement in appearances, or more police, the combined effect was a greater show of presence. The community knew that the Mayor wouldn’t tolerate disorder. A norm gives a rule of thumb about how others should behave.
The world of business offers numerous examples about the power of norms and culture as drivers of performance. For instance, companies like Johnson & Johnson and Southwest Airlines show that values and norms help to create extraordinary value for customers, suppliers, employees, and stockholders.
Business also offers examples of the other kind. For instance, last year, Oswald Grubel resigned as CEO of UBS, one of the world’s largest financial institutions. His resignation was associated with an apparent breakdown in risk management that allowed a 31-year old trader to amass $2.6 billion in losses on unauthorized trades. Journalist James Stewart argued that the problem wasn’t inadequate risk management systems, but rather, a “rogue culture.” He quoted one UBS employee as saying, “The problem is that there wasn’t any culture. There are silos. Everyone is separate. People cut their own deals, and it’s every man for himself. A lot of people made a lot of money that way, and it fueled jealousies and efforts to get ever better deals. People thought of themselves first, and then maybe the bank, if they thought about it at all.” This reminds one of similar episodes at Societe Generale (2008), Barings Bank (1995), and a host of others. And observers attributed the mother of all corporate collapses, Enron Corporation (2001), to a rogue culture.
How do traders and cultures go “rogue”? Given legal liability and obvious embarrassment, the public may never learn the truth in these cases. Sure, crooks and con artists can rise to the top of corporations. But it seems more reasonable to assume that the directors and CEOs of these organizations did not start out intending to spawn rogue traders or a rogue culture. After the fact, many of the rogues express deep remorse. Kweku Adoboli, the UBS trader, said through his lawyer that he was “sorry beyond words for what has happened here. He went to UBS and told them what he had done and stands appalled at the scale of the consequences of his disastrous miscalculations.” My reading of the various rogue cases is that at first things started to go bad slowly, and then very fast. What interests me is the “slowly” part, when leaders and co-workers might have intervened to prevent the eventual disaster. Why didn’t they?
An excellent book co-edited by my colleague, Ed Hess, and Kim Cameron, Leading with Values: Positivity, Virtue, and High Performance contains a range of essays that illuminate the challenge of creating great cultures. The best organizations are not “anything goes” kinds of places. They promote and police clear standards. My colleague, Jim Clawson, says that what we tolerate tends to be what we teach.
This past spring, Darden adopted a set of professional norms that commit us all as follows:
Darden aspires to provide everyone in our community a world-class experience built on principles of “collaborative excellence.” To that end, we announce and endorse the following principles of behavior within our community:
  • We the members of the Darden Community, across our many roles, treat everyone with courtesy and respect.
  • We act with integrity: we do what we say.
  • We communicate with positive intent and appreciation for what others have contributed to our results.
  • We treat everyone with fairness.
  • We have a joint responsibility to bring suspected incidents of misconduct forward.
Every day, we all face a variety of “flattened stogies:” behavior or conditions in the environment that do not reflect our aspirations for the community in which we live. The strength of our community depends on how we respond. Neglect is not the answer. Gandhi said, “you must live the world you want to see.”
A leader sets a tone for the community. Through small acts such as picking up trash one signals what is important. Do I pick up trash because I’m the Dean? Or am I the Dean because I pick up trash? Think about it.

Monday, July 16, 2012

Airplane Seating for the XXL Impaired


(It's really hot today in Vanillaville. To hot to read a lengthy rant, so I'm going to take it easy on you, dear readers, with a short blog for today. This blog completes the Birmingham Blog trifecta.)


Those of you who know me would probably say that I'm a pretty nice guy (and good looking too.) But there is one time in my life that the dark side of “the Force” comes out...a side not shown to many...a side that makes Donald Trump look like Mother Theresa. You can almost hear the hoof beats of the Headless Horseman's steed, the wailing midnight bells of a church in Transylvania during a thunderstorm. I mean this is serious stuff, when that onerous, nasty and pernicious aspect of yours truly rears its ugly head. And, dear reader, when does this transformation occur? No, it's not when I have to decide whether to concede Dr. Demento a 2 foot putt, it's when I'm one of the last people to board an airplane.

It's the one part of flying I really love. The part when I have to board the flight late and most of the seats are taken. As I start to walk down the airplane's aisle, I start scanning the crowd for a row with an empty seat in the middle. Once I find one, I start looking directly in the eyes of the people in the aisle and window seats. Remember, I'm 6 feet 3 inches tall and weigh 260 pounds of bent twisted steel. I'm a 16 ounce person in a 12 ounce world with 8 ounce airplane seats. I can see instantly that they are silently pleading with whatever entity they know as God that they will never again (fill in the blank here) if He/She/or It will not let me, also know as The Human Coke Machine, amble up next to them and point at the empty seat in the middle. (It's even better if I'm sweating profusely.) I know that they will offer ANYTHING, ANYTHING to their deity if Godzilla will simply keep walking. I can read their thoughts: “PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE don't let “HIM” sit beside me. It's bad enough I have to fly to Sheboygan, let alone do it like a sardine in a can.”

It's almost palpable, the feeling of emotional release, I feel from those I pass as I move past them and keep heading toward the imaginary empty aisle seat further down the plane. Occasionally, I ruin their entire day by bypassing them initially then circling back and get them on the rebound once it's determined there is no room at the inn at the back of the plane. That tap on the shoulder from the rear to let them know that Mephistopheles has returned and he's looking to sit next TO YOU, usually produces the same type of audible gasp you hear when you step on a frog.

Some days folks, you just have to take one for the team....and today would be one of those days.

And later on when I have to get up and go the bathroom...............

Hell, I feel like I'm eminently qualified to perform in Cirque du Soleil after the contortions I have to go through to fit, pee, wash, maneuver and extricate myself from an airplane bathroom. It's the Southwest Airlines version of the one man circus clown car. And if there's anybody waiting in line to use the bathroom after I exit, the look on their face as they try to picture how 8.7 cubic feet of me fit in the 6.4 cubic foot of bathroom is absolutely priceless.

But now that I have my neck thingy, Lola, I can sit in either the A, B or the C seat and be perfectly comfortable while the poor, unwashed masses next to me suffer.

It's me and Lola “to infinity and beyond.”



Until next time...........

Saturday, July 14, 2012

Lola


(This is the second of 3 blogs I wrote on our flight back from Birmingham last week. After reading this one, you should be virtually panting for the third blog.)

She's been my lovely bride for over 40 years now and I'm mildly fond of her but the former Miss Massachusetts hit one out of the park at the beginning of our flight home from Birmingham. I mean the ball was still on it's way up when it left the yard on this one.

I'm sitting at the gate minding my own business, trying to look like I'm not checking everybody out within an inch of their life.


I'm especially waiting for some woman in those ridiculously high platform shoes, who seemingly came by in alarming frequency, to misstep, thereby making an orthopedic surgeon's day, when my bride presents me with a gift for the flight. (No, not a men's pair of those shoes.)

Now you have to understand that she's been buying me clothes for north of four decades and not once, not once ever (I exaggerate, maybe once) has she ever gotten me anything in my size, (XXL), my preferred color (Augusta green) or something that I actually needed. (I can hear her say, "I know it's a small and it's pink and you'll never use it but it was on sale and I thought you'd like it.") We could probably own ocean front property based upon the money for gas we would have saved from her not having to return virtually ALL the the articles of clothing she has ever purchased for me out of the kindness of her dear, misguided, little heart. But this time it was different. This time she bought me one of those soft, spongy horseshoe shaped thingys that fit around your neck when you fly.

                                                                     Lola

Now you have to understand that I grew up watching TV sitting on the edge of the couch hunched over so much so that my dear, departed mother used to say to me, "Sit up straight or your going to grow up in the shape of a question mark." As usual, she was right. I'm only missing the little period on my bottom. So, based upon my size (I'm affectionately called The Human Coke Machine by some) and my shape/posture, sitting on a airplane for any more than 5 minutes is an uncomfortable experience for me, not to mention the people sitting next to me. And since many flights last more than 5 minutes, I'm usually mildly cranky and irritable when we finally arrive at our appointed destination. The good news is that my normal slouch combined with the bend in my neck from sitting in a malformed seat for hours on end, usually means that I'm so slouched over upon exiting the plane, I stand minimal chance of banging my head on the ceiling of the fuselage as I depart. (Many times I save that thrilling experience for the top of the door as I exit the aircraft......Welcome to Sheboygan.....thud.)

I wore my neck thingy, now christened “Lola,” all the way back from Birmingham and I feel great. Almost makes me want to book another flight immediately.

I think I'll go out and buy my bride a XXL, forest green golf shirt to show her my appreciation.


Until next time..........

Wednesday, July 11, 2012

....."in case of a water landing"......


(While returning to Boston on a flight, I penned 3 blogs. Here is the first. I hope you enjoy it.)

My lovely bride, the former Miss Massachusetts, and I were recently returning from a trip to Birmingham, Alabama aboard a Southwest Airlines flight. When the flight attendants do their spiel at the beginning of the flight, about how to fasten your seat belt, for the one possible moron out there who can't figure that one out, or the thing about the emergency exits and how we would all proceed like lemmings to the exits if we had to, all I heard was the phrase, "in case of a water landing." Many things went through my mind, several of which I'll share with you now.

My first thought was related to how much water we'd be flying over between Birmingham, Alabama and our connection to Boston in Baltimore. I mean the Okefenokee swamp was quite a bit off to our right, the Mississippi River was at least a driver and a five iron (three iron for you, McGregor) to our left and the ripplin' Susquehana was nowhere in sight. Sheboygan has water but I knew we weren't, at least we shouldn't be, anywhere near Wisconsin. I couldn't turn on my mental Google Maps, because we were below 10,000 feet, to review whether there were any other significant bodies of water in Tennessee or West Virginia or any other states that we might be flying over that contained any 5th grade geography remembrances of water. (The Grand Coulee Dam? Nah, we wouldn't be walking away from hitting that.) Maybe a large swimming pool in lush but not overly ostentatious Arlington, Virginia might suffice.

My next thought related to the actual words "water landing," and how else might that be phrased.

Possibly, "...in the UNLIKELY event of an water landing...."

or....

....in the unlikely event we have one of those (wink, wink) landings in water like you see in the movies where the plane doesn’t disintegrate into a million indistinguishable itsy bitsy pieces and everything just looks an afternoon walk in the park with your dog barking and birds chirping and grass growing and the economy actually growing after spending a trillion dollars to stimulate it....."

or....

"..in the unlikely event of a water mishap, you should be aware that Capt. Sully Sullenberger isn't actually flying this plane, so have a nice day."

You can “mis-speak” to me about water landings but please don't mess with my stomach.

They gave out bags of peanuts so small that I was actually hungrier after I ate them than before. I mean Mother Theresa would have handed them back to the attendant and said, “Can you re-plant this bag and bring it back to me with more than 4 peanuts in it?"

I have to cut the Birminghamians some slack regarding their heat. It was 108 degrees when we arrived and that, no question, gets your immediate attention as soon as you exit the terminal. But I couldn't help but think, what if they, the Birminghamians, came to Boston in say, late January? They would no doubt think we New Englanders were crazy for enduring such cold weather. The Birmingham heat was unforgettable, unforgiving and unreal. (I would have added more words that began with "un-something" but I ran out. ) 108 degrees is without question pretty nasty hot but once or twice I stepped out of the shade into the direct sunlight and that's when the sweat party really began in my brain. I mean it's in your face, heavy, searing, slow your life cycle down to 15 frames per second hot. It's like you instantaneously start asking yourself, "Is whatever I just stepped out of the hot, sticky, sweaty shade into the mother lode of heat to do really and truly worth it? If it doesn't have to do with saving my soul, winning the lottery or getting a date with Kim Basinger, why am I doing this?" One day when we were there it was cloudy and only about 80 degrees. That sounds good until I find out that the humidity was about 140%. I was dealing with those circumstances in the cool, calm manner for which I am noted when the clouds parted and the temperature, in about 15 minutes, rose to about 140 degrees with 80% humidity.
And, oh, by the way, it's only 10 o'clock in the morning, the noon day sun is still in the bullpen. Hopefully, the Birminghamians will visit Sowhegan in January, lose a finger or toe or two to frostbite, and then we'll be even.

On a more serious note, the reason the bride and I went to Birmingham was to attend a 5 day religious retreat put on by an organization that she has belonged to for 30 years, Caritas of Birmingham. The rules for the retreat were simple and straight forward: no cell phones or electronic equipment on the premises for the 5 days. No immodest dress or gum chewing. No cameras or video cameras. No smoking. And the coup de grace, NO CHAIRS OR LAWN CHAIRS. The entire 5 day proceedings were held outside. (see previous remarks about 100+ degree heat and NO LAWN CHAIRS.)

You know what, dealing with the heat without plopping my ample posterior on anything but God's green earth really wasn't all that bad. It's amazing what you can do and endure when you put your mind to it. It was peaceful and as serene a setting and experience as you could imagine. People from all over the world participated, maybe 2,000 in all. What impressed me the most was that when you looked at the people, also enduring the blast furnace heat, they were smiling and cheerful. (Your humble blog author would not have been categorized as either smiling or serene. There was no congeniality award presented, but I doubt I would have been nominated anyway, if you get my drift.) There were a large number of elderly people there and many, many young ones too. And in 5 days, I never heard one person complain about anything. I've used the expression many, many times, "You've got play the hand that's dealt you" and let me tell you these people did that without complaint.

I learned a number of lessons too. A few days without iPhones, iPads, TV and newspapers isn't the end of the world. (Before you think we donned sackcloth and ashes all day, every day, we did go back to the air conditioned hotel room late each evening.) But the many hours spent in their field, sitting on the bare ground praying and meditating (in the shade) was inspiring. The days were spent in thought and prayer about ourselves, our country and our world. (Two of the three of those are in big trouble. I'll let you decide, dear reader, which two.)

The hardest part of the retreat comes now. (I'm writing a good portion of this blog on the return flight.) And that part is applying our thoughts and conclusions individually arrived at from the retreat into everyday life. It's easy to live the "good and just" life at a retreat but putting that into practice.........let's see how that works out. We'll find out when the first soccer mom in her Chevy Suburban, talking on her cell phone cradled in her ear while holding a Dunkin Donuts ice coffee with a car load of kids in the back cuts me off on Route 1. I'm sure I'll just offer up a silent prayer for her...........after I lean on the horn for all it's worth.

What was also amazing was that there were 2,000 people gathered together over 5 days and there was not a speck of trash on the grounds. (I notice these things.) Bottled water was made available and I'd say 10,000 bottles were consumed and you could look around for hundreds of yards in each direction and there were no discarded water bottles and no trash and I mean NO TRASH, not a single piece of paper. It made me wonder what the Boston Esplanade must have looked like after the 4th of July fireworks concert. I doubt it looked anything like where I was.

And so, bottom line here: "Do unto other as you would have done unto you."
I assure you, if you apply that phrase into your life you will make many new friends and your enemies will probably die of a heart attack. That sounds like a Win-Win to me.

End of sermon.

Now how do you unfasten that pesky seat belt again?

Wednesday, May 16, 2012

This will be your only warning


As I nudge my way past three score and three years of life on earth, it seems to me that occasions of CRS have entered my life with more frequency than days past. CRS, to the uneducated, is “Can't Remember Sh_t.”
It started maybe ten years ago when I'd be ordering something online and I'd rattle off my credit card number from memory lickety split. Then, over time, you start forgetting a digit, then two, then more, then just take the damn thing out of your wallet.
Then comes along the not so often experienced but somewhat unsettling panic of exiting Stop and Shop and not having a clue where you parked your car in that sea of sheet metal in front of you. One progresses from there to the mildly upsetting, walking into the room and forgetting why you went there and/or what you came in there for syndrome. Three additional blogs will be dedicated to finding car keys.
None of these occurrences happens with maddening frequency, they happen just often enough to let you know that you ain't going to be around when they pop the cork on year 2121. You are starting to notice that you are losing a little, maybe just a mile an hour or two or so, off of your fastball. You aren't going from Cy Young to Syonara overnight, but you might just need some time in the minors to work on location and velocity. Then very gradually over the next few years, I noticed the occasional unnerving tendency when preparing a bowl of cereal to unconsciously starting reaching to put the milk back into the cupboard and the cereal back in the refrigerator. Those of you from my era, can I get an “Alleluia?”
The old joke about winding up the cat and putting out the clock doesn't seem quite so far fetched anymore or funny. Thank God we don't have a cat.
And like many things, there's the day you break new ground and become one of the co-captains on the “I Don't Believe I Really Did That” team. And, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, that day was yesterday for me.
It began as a day like any other day in Massachusetts in early May. Sunny, cool with a hint of humidity to ease us into summer weather. Baseball was in the air. I had successfully negotiated dressing myself (when that becomes a blog topic...well, forget it) and eating breakfast without any major pitfalls. Emails were read, bills were paid, all was running hot, steady and normal in my world. It was now time to head out of the house and pick up the book I had requested from the library, “101 Things To Do In Sheboygan on $10 a Day” and go to the town store and pick up my mail. With me so far? I thought I'd bring along Loretta, my iPad, since I may grab lunch at some point and now that I have a download-able subscription to The Boston Globe, I can yell at The Globe morons from places other than the confines of my humble abode. I headed down to the garage to head out but just as I was about to get into the car I remembered something that I had forgotten in the kitchen, a letter that needed to be mailed, so I headed back upstairs to retrieve it. I was on my way like a fat cat on a rat in no time. No sooner did I drive out of my driveway than I was behind a town tractor with a extended grass mowing arm thingy slowly driving up my road. The problem was, in the short distance ahead was a curve in the road that is a little scary. I had to make a command decision here: do I stay slow, real slow and follow the tractor around the curve and be safe or pull a James Bond high speed 9G lane change into the oncoming lane, shoot as fast as possible in front of the tractor just before I get to the curve and then slide back at another 9G's into the right hand lane and go on about my business and then let the blood flow slowly ease back into my brain. Hell, I'm from Massachusetts. There is no decision, no decision whatsoever. I hit the gas and hit it hard. Lucille, my car, responded like a rocket. There were no cars coming from the opposite direction and I felt like since I had fulfilled my head on collision quota for 2012, off I went. Over, around and back into my lane again in no time. Indy 500 here I come. And so I went merrily along for 2 more miles toward town pondering the relative advantages of the interlocking versus overlapping golf grips when I looked over and looked at the space between the passenger seat and console. This is where I usually keep Loretta, my iPad, when out of the house so “inquiring minds” won't see her and decide to make her one of their own. The space was empty. Loretta wasn't there! Where did I leave my iPad? Time to replay the video tape in my mind from the last 5 minutes. (This should be good.) I was trying to retrace my steps frantically when I thought, “Oh no, you can't be that stupid.” As we know, stupid is a relative word and the varying degrees of potential stupidity are monumental. I stopped the car by the side of the road. I slowly opened my door and sidled my way out of the car and looked. Yup, there Loretta was, my iPad, sitting smack dab on the roof of my car. Through 9G turns and power accelerations she was still there. Good girl.
Thank God for gravity.
Now what were we talking about again, I forgot.



Until next time....

Wednesday, April 25, 2012

In Search of the Perfect Fried Clam (Mya arenaria )


(Note: If you're not from New England you can move on. Nothing to see here. This topic will have no meaning for you.)



What is it about a fried clam?

Is it the taste or the chewy consistency? The salt, the ketchup, or god forbid, the tartar sauce? Or does it just conjure up memories of warm summer Friday nights sitting on a restaurant deck overlooking the water?

Everyone has their pilgrimage to their hamburger, pizza or hot dog Mecca, but mine is the fried clam quest for the ages.

It started several years ago when I had some clams somewhere and thought they were pretty tasty. I said to myself and then uttered to the bride, “I wonder where Clam Nirvana is? Might we be living in the vicinity of Fried Clam “Heaven?"

There was only one way to find out and that was to search for The Perfect Fried Clam.

Now much like my standards in a wife, my standards for fried clams are very high. The perfect clam must embody not only the exact degree of chewiness but it also must be cooked to perfection to allow the unique flavor to exude from the delectable taste treat. It must have a light, golden color which ensures that the frying oil is fresh. If it's not a light golden brown in color, it loses any chance at the crown before it even gets near my mouth. And it goes without saying (but I will say it) it has to be crispy.

So let me some up: chewy, light, golden brown in color and crispy. And I don't want to have to pay through the porthole for a plate. That last fact leaves out about every restaurant within 20 miles of Boston of any chance of grabbing the gonfalon. That's a lot to ask, trying to put the Halley's Comet of Clams in the right spot at the right time and, I might add, for the right price. Some kick-ass french fries and coleslaw wouldn't hurt the overall winner's chances either.


(Note dear reader there is no mention of clam strips. Clam strips are to fried clams what a sparkler is to the space shuttle.)

History tells us that the fried clam was on the menu of the Parker House restaurant in Boston as far back as 1865. Legend has it that the modern deep-fried, batter-dipped version was credited to Lawrence Henry “Chubby” Woodman of Essex Massachusetts. He is said to have created the first batch on July 3, 1916 in his small roadside restaurant, now Woodman's of Essex. One of his specialties was homemade potato chips, so he had large vats for deep-frying foods. He used the clams which he had collected himself from the mud flats of the Essex River located close to his home.

And so my search began.

What were my chances of finding the Mona Lisa of mollusks? The barbeque of bi-valves? Only time and my MasterCard would tell.

I started the trek at the previously mentioned Woodman's of Essex. Although “Chubby” was no longer coming down for breakfast (or clams) I thought it would be the place to start. What I hadn't counted on was the fact that the frying oil used by “Chubby” back in 1916 appeared to be one and the same as the oil used upon my visit. The dark brown color of the clams upon their presentation immediately disqualified Woodman's as “Clam 1.” Fortunately also in Essex is a restaurant called The Village. The $28.95 price tag for a clam plate made these clams to rich for everyone other than the Sultan of Brunei. They were good but mortgaging the house for dinner won't get the job done. I've heard that Farnham's in Essex has excellent clams, but alas, poor reader, your humble blogger did not make it there to check out the end product.

On to Ipswich. The Clam Box has a reputation for having outstanding clams and I looked forward to battle testing their clam plate. The only problem with the Clam Box is that you need to get there about 9 AM on a Monday in order to eat on Friday and miss the line that seemingly extends to Sheboygan. I like clams but I'm not waiting for the next Pope to be elected to eat them. Soon we had tried the Sea Witch, the Agawam Diner, Dube's and others to no avail. We even tried a Fried Clam Po Boy in Washington, DC. Kudos to the cook for an ingenious methodology for eating clams: sub roll, secret sauce, lettuce and tomato, but the Fried Clam Po Boy was a horse of a different gear ratio compared to a New England clam plate. But heck, if they can't pass a congressional budget in three years how could I expect them to make a world class clam plate?

I was beginning to know how the physicists in charge of the Manhattan project in World War II were feeling when the bride and I happened to leisurely stop by the Land & Sea Restaurant in Peabody, MA. My expectations were low since Peabody is known mainly for shopping centers and drive by shootings and the list of gastronomic home runs is a short one, as in zero.

But, mirabile dictu, the Land & Sea was it. Golden brown clams piled high and cooked to perfection. French fries to die for and cole slaw, although not my very best favorite, that didn't suck. All for $16.95. Little did it matter that I practically had to wrestle the lady behind the counter to get three more little cups of ketchup to go with my world class clams. Go figure, the clams are plentiful on the plate but the ketchup is treated like plutonium. In order to confuse the woman behind the counter, I was about to send the bride back for three more little cups of ketchup (you can never have enough ketchup) but she (the bride) patently refused my wishes.

And there you have it, Clam 1, the Alpha Clam, the connoisseur of Clams, Clams Correcto: the Land & Sea in Peabody.

My life is complete.

See you there on Friday night.

Until next time........

Tuesday, April 24, 2012

The Four Horsemen on Shetland Ponies




I read yesterday that Notre Dame has scheduled to play UMass in football in the near future. That's the University of Massachusetts. ND vs. UMass, in football? Are you kidding me? What, were the Little Sisters of the Poor already scheduled for that weekend? How can a legendary powerhouse like Notre Dame sink so low as to schedule a team that probably can't beat itself in an intrasquad scrimmage? The answer has to be what the answer always is when you can't figure out why things are the way they are.......MONEY. Not just the money Notre Dame makes for a regular season trouncing of an unheard of football entity, but the money that comes from scheduling 10 patsies in a season along with USC, Michigan and Michigan State, so that the worst record you end up with is 10-3 and you go to a bowl game that will pay the school $8 million for their appearance. As I said, when in doubt it's ALWAYS about the greenbacks.

Reminds me when Mo Vaughan was up for a big contract renewal with the Red Sox. He made the famous and often repeated statement that, “It's not about the money.” when asked about what was most important for him regarding his next contract. “It's about respect and feeding my family. It's not about the money.” Usually, these idiots will also throw in some lame comment about “they just want to win” or “I want to work closer to my family.” The last prevarication was uttered by Roger Clemens, who happens to live in Katy, Texas just before he signed with the Toronto Blue Jays for top dollar. Last time I checked Toronto wasn't even in the same country as Katy, but then again Texas is a big state. Why can't they just be honest and say they want to make as much money as they can in their careers and will play for the highest bidder. Heck, I'd admire anyone who was honest enough to say that instead of the BS they try to pass off on the public.

I think baseball should start their season after the hockey playoffs are over. I turned off the Bruins playoff game on Saturday (a tough loss) and turned on the Red Sox game. Are you kidding me? Baseball should be the officially licensed sport for Insomniacs Unlimited. Ball 1.....ball 2....foul ball, strike 1.....ball 3.......strike two......routine two hop grounder to short....out #1. And you have to repeat that at least 27 times per game......YIKES. Now don't get me wrong, I used to love base ball before (you guessed it) money took over. When the big boys started getting paid millions for playing the game, the owners said we have to make millions from advertising to pay for them. So we have to slow the game down in order to get more advertising in to pay the bills and make a little profit for ourselves. When I was a kid, baseball games lasted 2 hours, maybe 2 and a half hours. And Ted Williams made $100,000 a year. Now a typical Red Sox game, I swear lasts at least 3 plus hours (sometimes 4 if it's a Yankee game) and if the players aren't making $10,00,000 a year, they're a loser. Three and a half hours watching Kevin Youkilis foul off fastballs and sweating profusely. It could be worse, you could be forced to watch an NBA game from start to finish....talk about irrelevant. Effort is not the theme of the NBA. But the NBA is good for the tattoo business and the bail bondsmen.

Playoff hockey and pro football clearly are the best simply because players can't play either without putting forth their maximum effort. You only get to see pro football once a week but playoff hockey is every night for two months. I don't know if you know who Mike (Doc) Emerick is. He is the announcer for a number of NHL games. I challenge you to watch a game, any playoff game that he announces and you will jump out of your chair several times just from the excitement in Mike's voice as he conveys the high drama taking place before your very eyes. He is clearly the best, by far. I don't even know who is in second place.

Sports used to be good. Now there are at least 30 teams in every league of every sport. ESPN is telling you every day ad nauseum about every dunk, every goal, every run and every hit that took place in the past ten minutes. And then they have to “break down” everything like any moron can't figure out what they just saw. It used to all mean something, now it's all run by accountants and business managers.

The only thing worse is sports talk radio but I'll leave that for another rant.

My advice to you after the NHL playoffs are over.........go read a book.

Until next time.....

Thursday, April 5, 2012

Other than the head on collision, how did the rest of your day go?


Like the old sayings go, "Sometimes you're the windshield, sometimes you're the bug," or "I'd rather be a hammer than a nail." Actually, I prefer, "Why do bad things happen to good people?" But all in all, other than the head on collision I was in on Wednesday, everything that day went pretty well.

Trust me, there isn't much in this world that can bring your brain cells into razor sharp focus like seeing a 3,000 pound motor vehicle coming directly at you on the same side of the road that you are presently occupying. Only the bride, when she does the laundry, will know how much attention I gave it. Lest you think that this was a cataclysmic event of biblical proportions, fortunately I saw her vehicle approaching in time to come to a complete stop prior to the "engagement." Briefly, my cat-like mind reflected back on the Titanic disaster but in this case the iceberg was moving directly towards the "ship" while all engines were on stop. The young lady, who hereafter shall be known as the party of the first part, had an allergic reaction to some medication and essentially blacked out at the wheel which allowed me, the party of the second part, to politely use his car as a breaking mechanism for her before she ran into something important like a "No Right on Red" sign. (God knows we only have so many "No Right on Red" signs in this world and we can't afford to lose any of them.) When I spoke to her, it was clear that she was non compus mentis but not so out of it that the first thing out of her mouth when I checked to see if  she was OK was, "Oh, I think I hurt my back." She must have thought I was Alan Dershowitz or something. My call to 911 produced a response from the Peabody Police Department at a decibel level somewhat akin to the activity on Omaha Beach during D Day. But to their credit, the police didn't really know how serious the accident was. The best piece of advice/instruction during this whole event was the request/direct order from the police officer that I retrieve my license and registration from my car and wait over there away from the before mentioned POTFP (party of the first part.) Your humble servant, the aggrieved POTSP (no explanation required) was just entering the massive adrenaline injection stage of the proceedings and really didn't want to be within arm's reach of said alleged perpetrator.

A very nice woman was on the scene immediately after the accident. She stated that she had been following the young lady and was on her cell phone trying to call the police because of her erratic driving when the collision occurred. She was very nice and hung in there until the police arrived. She gave her statement to the police and went on her way. I was very thankful that she took the time to stay on scene mainly because her presence minimalized my primal urges to turn the POTFP into a babbling mass of protoplasm with my bare hands. I prefer to not have witnesses around when I participate in mass mayhem.

So the police and EMT's checked out the you know who for about 30 minutes while I checked out cloud formations and consoled my poor, battered Lucille. (My car's name is Lucille. Car naming and it's origins will be fodder for a future blog.) Later in the day, the insurance adjuster mentioned the word "totaled" several times when appraising Lucille's damages but fortunately, after his calculations were complete, did he send her to the intensive auto body care unit for much needed reconstruction, repair and recuperation.

The best part of this whole debacle, if there is a best part,  is that my rental car is a black Crown Victoria with black sidewalls.


Yup, it looks exactly like an unmarked police car.

I'm thinking, maybe when the adrenaline wears off in a year or so, that I'll drive it at 100 miles per hour, high beams flashing on and off, up Route 95 and watch the lemmings get the hell out of my way. Or maybe sit by the side of the road in my town and watch the locals jam on their brakes when they see "the man" or a reasonable facsimile of such hiding in the weeds. Remember: absolute power corrupts absolutely.

I hope Lucille won't be jealous.

Until next time...........

Monday, April 2, 2012

I Have a Confession to Make.


I've been in love with someone for over 50 years.

Well, not exactly someone but something.....The Masters Golf Tournament at the Augusta National Golf Course in Augusta, Georgia.

As I recall, the romance began when I was about 10 years old. It happened while I was sitting in front of my family's old black and white TV. This was so long ago you actually had to get off your butt and walk over to the television to change the channel to one of the three available stations. The image on the screen was mesmerizing to me. It was of a place that couldn't possibly exist because of its beauty and pastoral setting. I was watching The Masters for the first time. Even in black and white it was spectacular. It only got better with the advent of color television.

The year was 1958 and I had only recently become enamored with the game of golf. There was an old set of golf clubs in the closet and I used to haul them down to the beach each day after school. Since it was early April, there weren't too many people on the beach, so I had the entire “golf course” to myself. I'd dig out a cup on one end of the beach and another cup at the other end. It was probably half a mile from one end to the other. With the tide low and the sand firmly packed, off I'd go on a seemingly endless loop back and forth from one end to the other of King's Beach, hitting ball after ball. There was no use keeping score since the “holes” were titanic in their length but the process of swinging and hitting the ball, rarely straight, was exhilarating to me. Back and forth, back and forth, goodness it was fun. I was careful not to hit the ball near the occasional dog walker but at that age the distance and the direction of my missiles were most times completely out of my control. All I knew was that this was fun. Each day after school, I looked forward to going to the beach with my clubs until the day when I showed up at my “course” and high tide canceled any golf play that day and for a few days to follow. Fortunately as the moon did its trick, the tide slowly moved out and I had my “Augusta National” back.

And so I turned on the TV and watched these brilliant golf pros, Arnold Palmer leading them all, thrilled and amazed as to what “good” golfers could make the golf ball do on grass instead of hard packed sand.

I'll always remember the 16th hole at Augusta on the 1958 broadcast. The hole was a par 3 and the shot required the ball to carry over 170 yards of water. There was water and there was a green. The hole looked impossible to me since most of my shots were grounders or pop-ups that would have found the water hazard at Augusta on each swing.


But the pro's shots carried the water and landed on the green with such frequency that I thought they must truly be magicians.

Augusta, on TV, looked like heaven on earth. Even in black and white, you could see the perfectly manicured grass and the phenomenal growth of flowers and shrubs that lined each hole. As I read about Augusta, I learned that the property was originally a nursery for flowers, shrubs and trees in the late 1800's and early 1900''s. Bob Jones and Clifford Roberts, the founders of Augusta National and The Masters, looked to build a golf course in the early 1930's and the former Fruitlands Nursery became the setting for the course and the tournament.

I was excited each year after 1958 and looked forward to the playing of The Masters. Since the tournament was played each year in early April, it coincided with the advent of spring in New England. That was another reason the course seemed so beautiful. While the grass here was still dormant and just receiving the warming spring sun, August National, located in sunny Georgia, was already in full bloom. Again I wondered how could this place be so gorgeous when New England seemed so dreary?

The years passed and my golf game improved to the point where I was essentially able to hit the ball in front of me some distance and occasionally executed a successful shot that thrilled me with the potential of my game. In like fashion, my love and anticipation for The Masters increased each year with great eagerness.

I came away, during those years, with the longing to someday be able to attend The Masters. But I had heard and read that spectator tickets were very, very difficult to obtain due to the ever growing enthusiasm The Masters was creating because of the outstanding TV production that CBS would provide each year.

And then one day in 1982, I got the call from my friend, a fellow golfer. A friend of his, who lived in Georgia had an extra badge (not ticket) to The Masters and would I be interested in going? His actual words were, “How much would you be willing to pay to go to The Masters?” I think l I lost consciousness for a few moments and when I regained it, all I could think to myself was, “how much could I afford to make my dream come true?” I sheepishly asked how much it would cost and he said, “$325 for a four day badge.” That means I could attend all four days of the tournament for $325. Now back in 1982, $325 was a fair amount of money and with a wife and three kids, $325 wasn't just lying around in our checking account doing nothing. But I thought to myself that I may never get this opportunity again, so I said yes to the purchase. Now came the hard part: getting approval from the bride. The Sunday of The Masters and Easter Sunday coincided. She said, “You won't be home for Easter?” And I said, “We've been married for 10 years and 9 out of 10 Easters together isn't a bad percentage.” She knew how badly I wanted to go and she was only giving me a hard time. She enjoyed every minute of it.

The next thing to do was to make plane and hotel reservations. The plane reservation was no problem but when I called the Holiday Inn in Augusta, they laughed at me. They told me that they were booked for Masters Week for the next 20 years. So I did a little research on my own. (This was before the days of Google and such.) I found out there was the Masters Housing Bureau. This was for people that needed rooms for The Masters. Homeowners in the Augusta area would rent out their homes or rooms in their homes to people who were attending the Masters. I called and got a room in a woman's house for $12 a night. The woman, it turns out, grew up in the same town that I presently lived in. What a small, small world. And a lucky one at that. So now all I had to do was wait for the time to go by for me to actually see Augusta National and The Masters first hand. My plane reservations were for me to leave on Tuesday April 6th, 1982 from Boston to Atlanta to Augusta. Why do I mention the day, you ask? Because on April 6th, 1982 Boston was hit by 14 inches of snow and Logan Airport shut down. Clearly, there was no God. I had to change my plans and book a reservation that wouldn't get me into Augusta until 2 AM on Thursday, the first day of the the tournament. I called the woman, at whose house I was renting the room and informed her of my change of plans. Since I wasn't arriving until 2 AM, I told her I would sleep at the airport and hoped that she could pick me up in the morning. True to southern hospitality, she came and picked me up at 2 AM against my wishes.

I can hardly put into words what it was like the next morning to walk upon the grass of the course I was introduced to on television 24 years previously. It was heaven. TV, even color TV, simply could not do justice to the beauty and majesty of this golf course. The experience was truly a dream come true and I savored every minute of the four days I spent there.

My love for Augusta only grew in the following years and each year's TV broadcast only enhanced my love for the place. I purchased many books about Augusta and read each with great gusto. Was it too much to dream that there would ever be a chance to actually play Augusta National?

Clearly my marginal golf game left me woefully short of any hopes and dreams to qualify for The Masters. And the hope of being invited to play the course was non-existent since you had to play with a member. The members of Augusta National were the likes of the chairman of the board of Exxon, Bill Gates and former Presidents of the United States. I thought it highly unlikely that Bill Gates would call out of the blue and say, “Hey, Mike, you don't know me but would you like to come down to Augusta and play a few rounds with me as my guest?” Only in my dreams.

But then a funny thing happened. I had a good friend who was a local investment banker and an avid golfer at the time. I won't go into all the details but one day in September, 1998 he called me and asked me what I was doing on November 7th, 8th and 9th of that year. I consulted my blank calendar and said, “Nothing.” He said, “Good. Because you are going to play Augusta National those days with me.”

What do yo do when your wildest dream comes true?

All I could do was tell him I'd call him back and, I'm not ashamed to say, I broke down into racking sobs.

I called him back and thanked him profusely. (I'm still thanking him today.)

And on those days in November, 1998 I played Augusta. This time I rode up Magnolia Lane, the entrance to Augusta National, as an expected guest. The member we played with was an executive from North Carolina with whom my friend had a business arrangement. The gentleman was one of the nicest people I ever met. He was 67 years old at the time and had a golf swing for the ages.

Standing on the first tee, driver in hand, was an event of biblical proportions for me. I instantly flashed back to all the years in front of the TV watching this hallowed ground and now I was standing on it ready to experience something that very few people in the world would ever experience.


I'd like to tell you that I played like a lion that day but it was more like a lamb. The fairy tale would only carry me so far.

The year 1998 was probably my worst year of golf I ever had. My failing business and lack of funds didn't allow me to play much golf that year. I played so few times and so poorly that I hadn't made a single birdie all year. And here I was at Augusta. My caddie, while walking down the first fairway, handed me a scorecard and asked me if I wanted to keep score. I told him that I didn't and just hoped to get around the course before the sun went down in a reasonable amount of strokes. My heart was thumping and my brain was devoid of most rational function and somehow I had to turn and swing and hit a golf ball on these most hallowed grounds. I just tried to breathe. Hole 1 was soon over and since I hadn't thrown up or passed out (I was close on both accounts) I considered the the rest of the day might be most manageable. Hole 2 seemed uneventful until I rolled in a 40 foot putt for a birdie. A birdie on my second hole at Augusta National. Could this be truly happening? What had I ever done to be so lucky? Not a single birdie all year and now a birdie on my second hole at Augusta.


I'd love to tell you that the rest of the round and the rounds to come were chock full of more birdies, heroic sand saves, masterful chipping and lights out putting but reality set in and I played like a person who hadn't played much or very well for some time. But that didn't matter to me. It was the journey that was important to me, not the destination.

I played 4 rounds of golf in 3 days at Augusta. I'm a lucky guy.

It was a long way from my golf course on King's Beach in Lynn, Mass. to the Augusta National Golf Course in Augusta, Georgia. From Death Valley to the summit of Mount Everest in just over 50 years.

It's an amazing thing when your wildest dream comes true.

And now you know about my “other” love affair.

Enjoy The Masters this week. I know I will.

Until next time......

Sunday, April 1, 2012

Home (Depot) is where the heart is.


Back to this seemingly daily saga of Hope Depot and me.

A few days ago, I went to Home Depot to get stain for the floor of the bedroom that I'm refinishing. Now, having reviewed the product literature so that I wouldn't look like an idiot again, I asked the man at the paint department to mix up the color of stain that I was going to use on the floor. Unexpectedly, his reply was, “Hmmmmmmm, I've never done that before.” Imagine my surprise when he said that. I figured that anybody working at Home Depot was qualified to build a 747 in their basement from spare parts without plans. Therefore mixing up floor stain seemed like a layup to me. Now hearing that he had never made up colored stain before didn't quite have the same significance as a brain surgeon saying in the middle of an operation, “I'll never quite worked in this part of the brain before,” but it sure surprised me. It really didn't make any difference because they didn't have the base stain in stock that I needed anyway. But they were kind enough to look up in the computer for a Home Depot in the immediate area that might have the stain. Surprisingly, the closest Home Depot that had the base stain was located in Everett, about 20 miles away. So, I went to Everett. The young lady at the counter at the paint department was very helpful. When I mentioned that none of the other stores in Eastern Massachusetts had the base stain that I was looking for, I figured that none of the stores had it because it was flying off the shelves because it was so popular. I was pleased that I had chosen a product widely approved for staining by pro and amateur alike. Then she looked up the product code in a little hand-held computer and told to me that no one had purchased this type of base stain since Leonardo da Vinci was working on the Sistine Chapel. I had her mix it up anyway. I'll let you know how things turn out. Stay tuned for the next blog when I relate my first use of a floor sander. Keep in mind: THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS IDIOT PROOF.

Speaking of idiots, Happy April Fools Day, Johnny Miller.

Tell me honestly that you've never read an email article, an Internet article, a blog posting anywhere, any time, any day by anyone that contains the word Kardashian in it. If that is true, you have my permission to read on.

The two worst things that ever happened to this country are the initial broadcast of the reality show Survivor and the Watergate scandal. Survivor's success created the all the present-day reality shows that we see over and over and over on TV these days. You can't swing a dead cat by the tail near the TV without seeing two people arguing about something in order to get the “edgy” confrontation that reality TV thrives on. Remember: if people didn't watch it, it would go away. Watergate created investigative reporting which begot 60 Minutes, which led to ABC's 20-20, that spawned radio talk shows which led to cable TV talk shows which led to “edgy” TV news. As in, “Moscow in Flames, Missiles Heading Our Way, Film at 11. Back to you Francesca.”

Sorry, I'm not going to be able to root for Tiger Woods until I see a video of him showing up at Applebee's with the next wife and kiddies and see him spending the meal sitting there with his littlest kid on his lap feeding him or her French fries. Don't hold your breath

And speaking of French fries, if you haven't been to a Five Guys restaurant for a cheeseburger and fries, I want you to immediately drop what you are doing, go to computer, look up the nearest Five Guys to you and go there immediately. You can thank me later.

In a related story, how can you eat 1 pound of ice cream (at multiple sittings, of course) and gain 5 pounds?

If I ruled the world:
You could have 3 chocolate chip cookies during Lent, because God would not judge you by the color of your skin but by the content of your heart. (Sorry. My inner Martin Luther King took over there for a moment.)
People would have to stop each day to give thanks. They would take a moment to appreciate what they have. Take a moment to appreciate those around them. They would understand that things could change tomorrow in a way that would make them beg for today and make today, a day that appears to be like any other uneventful day, seem like the greatest day of their lives.
Nobody could spend more than they make, especially the government.

More to follow, because it is quite possible, based upon the rulers of the world as it stands right now that I could be “drafted” as Supreme Leader any day now. If that happens, unfortunately the blogs will have to stop. I'll keep you posted.

I was checking out the obituaries in the Boston Globe the other day and noticed that seven people were listed as having passed away in Medford. Six people passed away in Melrose. Five people passed away. in Somerville. Four people passed away in Stoneham and, check this out, only three people passed away in Boston. I will keep you informed as to whether we all should be moving to “the Hub” or staying away from moving to cities that start with the letter M or S.

Another sign the apocalypse is just around the next bend is a headline from the Associated Press that related that a Colorado Springs Easter egg hunt has been canceled because of aggressive parents.

Speaking of great actors, any movie that Ed Harris is in is usually very entertaining. Also, if you have Netflix or something like that, most movies that Edward Norton or Denzel Washington star in are usually very good.  My all time favorite is Christopher Walken. He is the best. He actually started off his career as a song and dance man which is hard to believe, considering the weird parts that he plays as an actor. But he's always gives a good performance in mysteries and thrillers. Buddy Ebsen also started off as a song and dance man early in his career. Buddy actually was supposed to play the part of the Tin Man in the Wizard of Oz in 1939 but it turned out he was allergic to the silver paint. Good break for Jack Haley who became the Tin Man. Jack just happened to also be Liza Minnelli's father-in-law.

Stick right here if you enjoy movie trivia or trivia of any kind, I've got tons of it. For example, did you know that Elmo Lincoln played the first Tarzan in the movies? Probably not but now you do.

You just can't get premium stuff like this on any other blog.

Enjoy The Masters.

Until next time........

Sunday, March 25, 2012


EULA-LA

Do you know what an End User Licensing Agreement, a EULA, is? 
Probably not unless you're a “propeller head.” (A computer geek)
I recently bought the new iPad and before you can set everything up in the iPad, you're asked to accept the EULA. Now I know that everyone with a pulse and a heartbeat AUTOMATICALLY checks the “I accept” box, like the little lemmings that we are, but this time I looked down and saw that the EULA for the iPad is 42 freakin' pages long. So why should that make any difference if you're only going to check the ACCEPT box and move right along? It makes a difference if there is something buried in those 42 pages of whereases and howsoevers that might be a little scary. Imagine, if you will, your doorbell rings and standing there is a guy dressed up like Bozo the Clown. You open the door and immediately he plants a whipped cream pie right smack dab in the middle of your unsuspecting face. After the initial shock, you cry out, “What the ____ was that all about?” And Bozo says, “Well, if you had read page 41, paragraph 3 sentence 4, it clearly states that by accepting the iPad EULA, APPLE, hereafter known as “the company”, shall have the right to randomly deliver to you, hereafter known as “the schmuck”, a pie to your proboscis, without advanced warning, at its sole discretion. Of course I would exclaim, “But it's not fair, the EULA is 42 pages long and I'm very busy re-arranging my sock drawer and stuff, so how could I have possibly read it?” And Bozo says back, “You accepted the EULA, tough. Wait 'til you see what's in store from page 34. It involves pine nuts, spray paint and an air horn!”

And what about people who say, “I never shop on-line. With all that stuff about identity theft, you'd have to be a moron to put your credit card out there on the Internet.” Oh yeah, says I. How about when you go to a restaurant and give your credit card to the waiter/waitress and he/she disappears with it? You just handed them your credit card. They have your name, the card number, the expiration date and the 3 digit code thingy on the back of the card right in their potentially crooked little hands. Tell me that they can't go right ahead and book an all expense paid trip to Sheboygan right there and then with that info. Then once the trip is booked, they can hand the card back to you and wish you “Happy Trails.”That's identity theft and you are party of the first part. The only thing working in your favor is who the hell would want to go to Sheboygan anyway?

How is it you can wait 15-20 minutes in a 3 mile backup on the Southeast Expressway and then finally come to where the supposed accident, as reported on the radio, was and find nothing there? There's no cars. There's no police. There's no wreckage. No debris. No ambulance. No blood. No cat up a tree, nothing. Must be Yankee fans.


Could someone please explain to me the positive principle behind the statute of limitations laws? I mean do criminals have a lobby? “Yes, congressman, here's $50,000. We want you to approve a law that says if we commit a crime, just about any crime, the more heinous the better, you can only prosecute us for that crime if you catch us within 15 years, no make that 10, no make that 7 years. Yeah, 7 years, that's the ticket.” And the Congressman (or any other law maker at any level) says, “Makes sense to me. You've got my vote. And by the way make it a $100,000 and I'll support a statue of limitations for 72 hours.” Seriously, why is there any limit? You commit a crime and, if you get caught and convicted, you pay the price. Why does the penalty for a crime magically disappear after X number of years? Are the politicians criminally stupid? (see definition of rhetorical question.)

Those who know me know that I am not the handiest guy in the whole world. But I try and I guess that that is what is most important. I mean going to Home Depot for me is like being from Mesopotamia and walking into the Library of Congress. So, I'm repainting the son's old bedroom and I want a nice color of light blue paint, the same color they show in the brochure of 4,296,388 colors and hope you can pick one out. The bride and I picked out the color and I head to Home Depot to buy it. Now I can find the paint aisle no problem. It's the one with the 8 foot sign over the aisle that says PAINT. I'm cool so far. Now I start looking for a gallon can that says Robin's Egg, Mid Dawn, Carolina Tar Heel, Paul Newman Eyes Blue. And I look and I look and then I looked again. No REMDCTHPNE blue gallon can o' paint. So I do what any Providence College educated individual of sensible standing would do....I went to the paint counter and asked for help. The gentlemen was very helpful when I told him what I was looking for and he told me that he would mix it right up for me. I said to myself, “Mix it up? Mix it up? They mix up Robin's Egg Mid Dawn Carolina Tar Heel Paul Newman Eyes Blue paint. They don't have it on the shelf, you idiot.” So the nice man, said to me, “You didn't think that we had it on the shelf, did you? We'd have to have a warehouse the size of the Pentagon just for paint.” I chuckled, guffawed, hemmed and hawed like a buffoon who just got caught being overdrawn in the checking account for brains department. “No, of course you mix it up right here. No idiot or Yankee fan would ever think that you carried 4,296,388 kinds of paint on the shelf.” I got my paint and got out of Home Depot like I was qualifying for the Boston Marathon. Can't wait for when I go back to Home Depot to buy the 2 by 4's for the bride's garden. What an adventure that's going to be. Stay posted.

I got a burning permit at the town fire station last week. And I was really disappointed when I found out last Thursday that I couldn't burn. It had something to do with the fact that the temperature that day was going to be 80° and it hasn't rained since the Truman administration. But I thought it was pretty cheezy on the part of the Fire Chief to cancel my opportunity to burn when I wanted to. I have rights you know. Who the hell does he think he is trying to save the town from a raging conflagration probably started by me? Understand that gathering and burning brush involves two things that I'm really not that strong at: a chainsaw and fire. (See previous paragraph regarding painting and Home Depot.) On a serious note, if you're working outside in the brush cutting and dragging stuff around you really ought to be wearing safety glasses.

Topic for next time: My snow blower and me – A love/hate relationship.

I just downloaded the users manual for my new iPad. It's 233 pages long. By the time I finish reading it, the new new iPad will be out. At least there's no EULA for it!

I can't tell you how much I recommend the Steve Jobs biography written by Walter Isaacson. Not only is it a fascinating study of what a genius/maniac Steve Jobs was, but also it's an incredible history of the personal computing industry from the very early days back when the first personal computers were invented to the present day development of the new iPhone and the new iPad. One interesting segment was the discussion when Steve Jobs brought the recording industry executives to the table to talk about allowing individuals to buy and download single songs from the Internet. The recording industry was not in favor of doing something like that but Steve Jobs got them to agree. The book states that they forecasted 1 million song downloads in the first six months. As it turned out, they recorded 1 million downloads in the FIRST SIX DAYS. As a matter of fact, the iTunes Store recently recorded its 25 BILLIONTH download. Like I said Steve Jobs was a genius, I won't get into the maniac part.

Daughter #2 recommended an excellent book that I'm reading: The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin. I'll let you guess at what the book's about. There are a lot of great sayings in the book. Anyone who knows me, knows that I have more sayings than the Rubaiyat by Omar Khayyam. Here's a couple: “People don't notice your mistakes as much as you think.” And “What you do every day matters more than what you do once in a while.” And my personal favorite, “When the student is ready, the teacher will appear.” Check it out, I think you'll like it.


Until next time...