....."in case of a water landing"......

(While returning to Boston on a flight, I penned 3 blogs. Here is the first. I hope you enjoy it.)

My lovely bride, the former Miss Massachusetts, and I were recently returning from a trip to Birmingham, Alabama aboard a Southwest Airlines flight. When the flight attendants do their spiel at the beginning of the flight, about how to fasten your seat belt, for the one possible moron out there who can't figure that one out, or the thing about the emergency exits and how we would all proceed like lemmings to the exits if we had to, all I heard was the phrase, "in case of a water landing." Many things went through my mind, several of which I'll share with you now.

My first thought was related to how much water we'd be flying over between Birmingham, Alabama and our connection to Boston in Baltimore. I mean the Okefenokee swamp was quite a bit off to our right, the Mississippi River was at least a driver and a five iron (three iron for you, McGregor) to our left and the ripplin' Susquehana was nowhere in sight. Sheboygan has water but I knew we weren't, at least we shouldn't be, anywhere near Wisconsin. I couldn't turn on my mental Google Maps, because we were below 10,000 feet, to review whether there were any other significant bodies of water in Tennessee or West Virginia or any other states that we might be flying over that contained any 5th grade geography remembrances of water. (The Grand Coulee Dam? Nah, we wouldn't be walking away from hitting that.) Maybe a large swimming pool in lush but not overly ostentatious Arlington, Virginia might suffice.

My next thought related to the actual words "water landing," and how else might that be phrased.

Possibly, "...in the UNLIKELY event of an water landing...."

or....

....in the unlikely event we have one of those (wink, wink) landings in water like you see in the movies where the plane doesn’t disintegrate into a million indistinguishable itsy bitsy pieces and everything just looks an afternoon walk in the park with your dog barking and birds chirping and grass growing and the economy actually growing after spending a trillion dollars to stimulate it....."

or....

"..in the unlikely event of a water mishap, you should be aware that Capt. Sully Sullenberger isn't actually flying this plane, so have a nice day."

You can “mis-speak” to me about water landings but please don't mess with my stomach.

They gave out bags of peanuts so small that I was actually hungrier after I ate them than before. I mean Mother Theresa would have handed them back to the attendant and said, “Can you re-plant this bag and bring it back to me with more than 4 peanuts in it?"

I have to cut the Birminghamians some slack regarding their heat. It was 108 degrees when we arrived and that, no question, gets your immediate attention as soon as you exit the terminal. But I couldn't help but think, what if they, the Birminghamians, came to Boston in say, late January? They would no doubt think we New Englanders were crazy for enduring such cold weather. The Birmingham heat was unforgettable, unforgiving and unreal. (I would have added more words that began with "un-something" but I ran out. ) 108 degrees is without question pretty nasty hot but once or twice I stepped out of the shade into the direct sunlight and that's when the sweat party really began in my brain. I mean it's in your face, heavy, searing, slow your life cycle down to 15 frames per second hot. It's like you instantaneously start asking yourself, "Is whatever I just stepped out of the hot, sticky, sweaty shade into the mother lode of heat to do really and truly worth it? If it doesn't have to do with saving my soul, winning the lottery or getting a date with Kim Basinger, why am I doing this?" One day when we were there it was cloudy and only about 80 degrees. That sounds good until I find out that the humidity was about 140%. I was dealing with those circumstances in the cool, calm manner for which I am noted when the clouds parted and the temperature, in about 15 minutes, rose to about 140 degrees with 80% humidity.

And, oh, by the way, it's only 10 o'clock in the morning, the noon day sun is still in the bullpen. Hopefully, the Birminghamians will visit Sowhegan in January, lose a finger or toe or two to frostbite, and then we'll be even.

On a more serious note, the reason the bride and I went to Birmingham was to attend a 5 day religious retreat put on by an organization that she has belonged to for 30 years, Caritas of Birmingham. The rules for the retreat were simple and straight forward: no cell phones or electronic equipment on the premises for the 5 days. No immodest dress or gum chewing. No cameras or video cameras. No smoking. And the coup de grace, NO CHAIRS OR LAWN CHAIRS. The entire 5 day proceedings were held outside. (see previous remarks about 100+ degree heat and NO LAWN CHAIRS.)

You know what, dealing with the heat without plopping my ample posterior on anything but God's green earth really wasn't all that bad. It's amazing what you can do and endure when you put your mind to it. It was peaceful and as serene a setting and experience as you could imagine. People from all over the world participated, maybe 2,000 in all. What impressed me the most was that when you looked at the people, also enduring the blast furnace heat, they were smiling and cheerful. (Your humble blog author would not have been categorized as either smiling or serene. There was no congeniality award presented, but I doubt I would have been nominated anyway, if you get my drift.) There were a large number of elderly people there and many, many young ones too. And in 5 days, I never heard one person complain about anything. I've used the expression many, many times, "You've got play the hand that's dealt you" and let me tell you these people did that without complaint.

I learned a number of lessons too. A few days without iPhones, iPads, TV and newspapers isn't the end of the world. (Before you think we donned sackcloth and ashes all day, every day, we did go back to the air conditioned hotel room late each evening.) But the many hours spent in their field, sitting on the bare ground praying and meditating (in the shade) was inspiring. The days were spent in thought and prayer about ourselves, our country and our world. (Two of the three of those are in big trouble. I'll let you decide, dear reader, which two.)

The hardest part of the retreat comes now. (I'm writing a good portion of this blog on the return flight.) And that part is applying our thoughts and conclusions individually arrived at from the retreat into everyday life. It's easy to live the "good and just" life at a retreat but putting that into practice.........let's see how that works out. We'll find out when the first soccer mom in her Chevy Suburban, talking on her cell phone cradled in her ear while holding a Dunkin Donuts ice coffee with a car load of kids in the back cuts me off on Route 1. I'm sure I'll just offer up a silent prayer for her...........after I lean on the horn for all it's worth.

What was also amazing was that there were 2,000 people gathered together over 5 days and there was not a speck of trash on the grounds. (I notice these things.) Bottled water was made available and I'd say 10,000 bottles were consumed and you could look around for hundreds of yards in each direction and there were no discarded water bottles and no trash and I mean NO TRASH, not a single piece of paper. It made me wonder what the Boston Esplanade must have looked like after the 4th of July fireworks concert. I doubt it looked anything like where I was.

And so, bottom line here: "Do unto other as you would have done unto you."
I assure you, if you apply that phrase into your life you will make many new friends and your enemies will probably die of a heart attack. That sounds like a Win-Win to me.

End of sermon.

Now how do you unfasten that pesky seat belt again?