-Bring sunscreen. It's known as the Sunshine State, not the Partly Cloudy State.
-Never go to a flea market, then Costco, on a Sunday. There will be gazillions of people at both places. The flea market will be mobbed. It'll have an incredible assortment of junk and everyone at Costco will walk around at 1 mph and leave their cart in the exact middle of the aisle. In spite of bringing a shopping list, you WILL forget to buy something. When you go to checkout at Costco, either have the patience of a bomb defuser or bring a lunch.
(Thank god we left our reptile home.)
-No matter where you are outside and no matter what direction the wind is blowing, you will smell cigarette smoke.
-If you're coming to Florida to open up a pawn shop, don't bother. They've got millions of them down here. Try Georgia instead.
-No matter where you are outside and no matter what direction the wind is blowing, you will see someone with a tattoo.
-You will probably bring the average age, within a radius of 100 miles, down to 75 when you arrive.
-The entire province of Ontario is here. I mean everybody. Seemingly every other car has an Ontario license plate. I hope the last person to leave Ontario, shut off the lights and turned down the heat before they departed south.
-You can't swing a dead cat by the tail without hitting a Dollar Tree store, a Dollar General store or a Dollar something store. They are everywhere and all I have is 20's.
-I see no need to try biscuits and gravy, gator bites and/or grits.
-From the beaches that I've seen, if you want to walk out in the water, you should be halfway to the Yucatán Penninsula before you are up to your neck.
-Hella's Greek restaurant in Tarpon Springs has the best Greek salad (and the best waitstaff) anywhere.
-Resist the urge to write the Unusual Suspects back home about how nice the weather is. They don't care and someday when they go away, they will get you back, repeatedly.
-If you rent a place off of Craigslist, check things out as much as you can before you send a check. You don't want to show up in Florida expecting to find Ranch Relaxo and instead find the Weeki Wachee water treatment plant.
-Never get out of bed before 10 am. What's the point?
-Make sure you are extremely proficient with your GPS app or device. Otherwise, you may end up where old elephants go to die.
-If you drive down to Florida, have your brake pads and rotors replaced before you come down. There's a traffic light every 72 feet.
-There are no bugs....I mean none. The legislature must have enacted a law that they cannot live in Florida and must depart forthwith to Massachusetts.
-If you are planning to check out the gorgeous girls in those skimpy thongs, please refer to the previous comment about the average age being 75.
-Use the app, Yelp, a lot for restaurants. Don't go to any 4.5/5 star rated places unless they have more than 50 reviews. Also, don't judge a book by its cover. Some of the dumpier looking restaurants have the best food. (Alas, some do not) You're on your own.
-Don't be disappointed when the first person you see in a thong bathing suit is a guy.
-If you're coming from New England, bring your own lobsters, chowda and fried clams with you. They don't exist here.
-If you wonder why Trump won, drive to Florida via western New York State, Pennsylvania, western Virginia, North and South Carolina and Georgia. The many, many Trump signs were still visible. There wasn't a single Hillary sign all the way down. But she lost because the Russians hacked the election. Right.
-If you misplace or, god forbid, LOSE your sunglasses, just drive directly back home to Ontario.
-If you like to play golf, it's so cheap here that after 72 holes per day, they pay YOU to play.
-If you don't drive a pickup truck, why are you here?
Go Pats!
Until next time...........
